This word has been lapping my thoughts for the past month. Do we really have soul mates? Or are we taught this as to console our worrying hearts?
While I believe in soul mates, it’s not the typical definition of a lover, who, when you look into their eyes for the first time, causes the world align. No. This is not my reaction to the phrase. I believe soul mates exist in friendship and romance. My definition falls along the lines of a person who understands the layers of your being. Who knows the emotions which words are incapable of describing. Who accepts your heart and mind. And these people fall under each category.
My beliefs in this idea, whether or not true, are strong. However, one question surrounds them. How are you supposed to know when you’ve met your soul mate? This question is so prominent in my brain because of recent events.
Last month I found myself enveloped in feelings of loneliness and sickening sadness. My stomach never stopped turning and tears were “good nights” to my pillow. I was clueless to a way out. I needed an escape from the ache within my heart.
Then, out of pure random, I was reunited with an old friend. Seth and I had never been anything more than companions in class, but for the reasons of mutual heartbreak, decided to get together and drown our sorrows in booze. Yes, probably not the most responsible plan, but an effective one at that. Before he arrived I had been crying with another friend. My mental capacities were shot and there was no way I was going to reunite with my classmate. But as I was about to cancel the mope fest, Seth called. I remember his exact words as I told him I wasn’t up to seeing anyone: “Will you stop?! We are hanging out tonight!” It put a smile on my face and that night dried my tears. After a few drinks and the end of a healing night, I received a text from Seth asking me on a date and telling me he wanted to see me. I hadn’t felt wanted by a man in a good while.
After our first date, life seemed to be gluing back together. He wasn’t afraid to be goofy and honest. He made me feel like myself again. The old me who loved the Beatles and to endlessly argue over silly things. I felt like what had been crumbling and crushed was rewinding itself back to happiness. My soul was being rebuilt and remodeled. I couldn’t take credit for this recovery. It was Seth. It was his openness. It was the warmth in his green eyes and the longing and pulling I felt while staring into them. The strange thing, I’ve never felt such embrace from a stare. Looking into his eyes conjured a yearning so strong, I physically felt our souls reaching for each other.
But I was scared. I couldn’t be dragged along like the last guy had done. And where I felt so strongly about Seth in a month’s time, I knew the pain would be worse than the last guy. My heart couldn’t take anymore scaring. And so, like any self preserving woman would do, I told him we needed to be heading towards a relationship, otherwise I couldn’t date him.
It took all my courage. But what seemed like a wonderful month turned bittersweet. Seth had been cheated on by his last two girlfriends and wasn’t ready to give his trust. I accepted my fate with a few tears and a rebound make out session. (Sometimes, in the depth of drowning emotions, girls make stupid choices. And yes, that was a stupid choice. But hey, I don’t regret how fun it was. Kissing a hot man gets you out of a funk.) I thought that was the end of me and Seth.
After a very respectful rejection (which it sincerely was) four days went by when my phone lit up with his name. Seth proceeded to tell me how amazing I was and that it was simply bad timing. He needed time to heal from the past women. He apologized for four more days. But I didn’t feel sad or being played with. I felt calm and like I was in the right place. I felt I was supposed to be his friend right now.
The thing you have to understand, the last guy who broke my heart wasn’t ready for a relationship after 6 months of dating. He didn’t want to give away his trust either. When we ended things, I said we should be friends. But I knew it was over. I’d never see or hear from him again. There was a finality to it.
Seth didn’t feel final. Seth feels like a step. Yes, I use the present tense because this is what my soul says. It’s comforted by his honesty and genuine words. And thus, I begin to question soul mates. I’ve always believed in it. Every person is born with a friend soul mate and a romantic soul mate. Separate. Two. But Seth makes me wonder if you’re born with only one and you take steps from friendship to romantic.
It’s as if I’m following a path. I can only see a few steps in front of me as everything is dark and I’m blind to the end. But I can travel ahead due to the clarity of the small area I cover with each placement of my foot.
But is what I’m feeling following the checklist of a soul mate or is my mind creating emotions to keep my sanity? Is this a defense mechanism to ward off anymore pain? I don’t know the answer. I want to believe I’ve met my soul mate. I love the butterflies and intense connection.
However, the fear remains that I’m wishing and hoping for more hurt. That I’m living in a fantasy to be happy. Do you know you’ve met your soul mate because you feel settled? Or, do I feel settled through imagination just to get by?